1. I think I need to go on a diet… I fell down and rocked myself to sleep trying to get back up.
2. Old couple
Wife “I just silent farted. What should I do?” Husband “Change your hearing aide battery.”
3. Come to me you big beautiful cup of coffee and lie to me about how much you’re going to get done today.
4. I hate it when a couple starts to argue infront of me. They could at least wait till i get dressed and leave.
5. Wife yells at husband. “I left the kids with you for 20 and they fill the dryer with 3 pounds of sugar trying to make cotton candy!” Husband. “Did it work? Cause thats awesome!”
6. Some girl just asked me if I thought she was wearing too much makeup. I told her it depends on if she’s going to try to kill Batman or not.
7. Cashier ask “would you like to donate a dollar today to help the poor.” Me “This card has a 90% chance of being declined. I am the pore.”
8. Got some bad news… I just found out cock fighting is done woth roosters… Six months of training wasted.
9. I shine a lazer pointer in my neighbors window when they are not home. Cause of me the cat has destroyed three sets of mini blinds. No idea its me.
10. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing will piss them off more.